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I realised I lost a friend today. Not only that, but also felt a deep longing for someone I shouldn't have those feelings for. I know I cannot be everything to everyone and that I have flaws and that I don't quite understand myself either. I do not know who I am or what it feels like to be that girl I used to be anymore. I feel as though I'm adrift, my steps and thoughts can be classified as perfunctory. I am constantly sad, I cry and I feel alone.

Work hard, play hard 2012

So, I have decided to shun all men...at least for a little while and get back to basics. Here are the goals for what's left of 2012:

Read two books per month
Take a roadtrip to Hartbeespoort Dam
Visit the Rosebank rooftop market taking the Gautrein
Get a tattoo on my right wrist (October to December)
Start learning Spanish

Apples on a tree

Girls are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach for the good ones, because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Today I said to an ex of mine that love is something you fight for. In that instant, however, I realised that I've been fighting for the wrong ones and I have settled for less than what I deserve several times. And the fight was focused on me not losing hope or keeping myself in a state of denial. It is time for me to move on.

In the past few months, two exes have apologised for what they did to me. I would like to think that I'm open in a relationship and easy to talk to, but maybe I am not. One actually said that he felt like he wasn't good enough for me and that my family disapproved of him, which was not true. My reply was: "Why didn't you talk to me about it?" He couldn't answer the question. I left that relationship feeling like a rotten apple and my choice in men thereafter reflected that. For years I felt like I was the problem when I treated them with nothing but respect and love. In my mind, being a rotten apple, was the way into someone's heart. This prison I have been living in for quite a while now was my own doing. I refuse to truly let people in, because the rejection at a later stage is painful and my heart could only take so much. I get jealous when I see how happy other people are. I realise now, more than ever, that I need to find my happy place and start walking the path to self acceptance. Change what I can with hard work lying ahead, but also adopt a new outlook on life when it comes to things I can't change.

Oh, and I need to start smiling more too. So I'll start with this one :)

Spor - Pacifica

Feel this wave
Crashing down
Push me deep into the ground
Float away with the tide I'll drown
Sinking following the sound

Vibrations on the surface of where you belong
Of where you came from
[2x]


Feel this wave
Crashing down
Push me deep into the ground
Float away with the tide I'll drown
Sinking following the sound

I'm submerged again [2x]

Vibrations on the surface of where you belong
Of where you came from
[2x]

I'm submerged again [4x]

Feel this wave
Crashing down
Push me deep into the ground
Float away with the tide I'll drown
Sinking following the sound
Feel this wave
I'm submerged again [2x]

Desire to change > Desire to stay the same

The desire to change must be greater than the desire to stay the same. I don't know who said that, but since our company's external launch, where the one director uttered those words, it has stuck with me. I do not feel like the same person I was a few years back and in some ways that is a good thing. Late at night I think about the things I really want and the things I have done, which compromised who and what I am. The reason why I do not even recognise myself anymore is because I have done things I am definitely not proud of. I used to love reading and staying at home, but I was also sheltered from real life by removing myself from it. I want to change, but I am not sure how badly I want it or why I have not done more to change my life. Honesty seems to be lacking. I think I am a good person, but I judge myself too harshly. How long am I going to continue circling the drain, allowing people to hurt me, before I make the necessary changes to my life and realise I deserve so much better. For those who have been included in this mad endeavour of mine, I am truly sorry. I did not mean to hurt you. All I can say is that the person you got to know is not me. Part of me, but not who I really am. It is so easy to hide and wallow in your comfort zone and pain. I have noticed that I give up even before I have truly entered the game or tried to fight against this.How do I push myself past this fear and the unknown. I do not know what the result will be if I do and it is keeping me here, trapped beneath the desire to stay the same.

People have read this blog and I have always said to them that I only write when I feel overwhelmed or overcome with certain feelings. I am not a headcase every single day. On Facebook I also came across another piece of writing. "If you don't understand my silence then you don't deserve my words." Very true statement. Makes me wonder why I continue to try and connect with certain people when they do not extend the same courtesy to me. At this stage I know I am terrified and I am unsure of whether my desire to change is greater than my desire to stay the same. I am 30 and I have not set out to do even half of what I wanted to. Do I want to stay the same? No. I do know my subconscious is keeping me here. I know I have to change to get what I want. I know the change is going to be painful and uncomfortable. Mood swings, lashing out because I am hurting or I feel alone, but I also know I am strong.

Habits

So I have a bad habit. Wait, make that a few. When I meet someone for the first time my eyes remain firmly planted on the ground. As the evening progresses, my eye contact becomes a little more bolder ending in a full on stare. Not quite as scary as what it sounds like.

I met up with someone last night whom I deem a close friend and it was suprizing to me how much fun we had. Honestly can't say when last I had such a good time with someone. I feel out of place and akward in most social situations. The Dros in Midrand was playing a lot of familiar, but memorable songs. To get back to the evening though. I described it afterwards as "cementing our friendship" and he'll also be able to tell you it was way past long due. Time will tell what the future holds, but I really needed it last night. I'm currently re-evaluating a lot of things and people in my life, which also applies to those close to me. I tend to keep my mouth shut when I should be speaking my mind. Thoughts get stuck on the tip of my tongue. To me it is hurtful when I talk about things that matter in my life. I don't talk a lot, but when I choose to do so with even the simplest of topics, it matters to me. So many times I have listened for hours to others' problems, struggles, and fears. Yet the same consideration is seriously lacking with others. Yes, I am not as open as others, but I do allow you into the inner workings of my mind and life and that should mean something. Having me in your life should matter. Pay close attention to what I have to say.

Mourning

Today I mourn what was and what could have been. I have allowed events in my past to take over my life. It was not these situations that kept me in this constant state of hibernation. I have lost out on a couple of years and things I wanted to do with my life. Where I saw myself and the person I wanted to be. I am miles away from this.