I returned from a trip and left my heart there and I am not sure I am ever getting it back. I have had to let go of several people in my life over the past year. I have gone from exuding confidence and happiness to cowering in the corner and pretending I don't care, because I do not know who I am anymore. Ever single thing I thought I knew or believed about myself to be true is being challenged. I'm facing a lot of truths right and it's painful yet liberating at the same time. So let's get into those. My job has always been an extension of who I am, but I am feeling less and less inclined to just go with the flow and take everyone's shit anymore. I know that I am capable of so much more and it is time to tap into that. I know I am a good friend and I have been there for certain people, who turns out didn't value me as much as I did them. I can't hide who I am or convince them to be my friends. I can just keep doing this over and over again. Care for people and let them go. Those who want to be a part of my life will take the time to do that.
I know I don't make it easy to love me, because I don't feel worthy of love and I have also learned that love can be fleeting. I always seem to be at odds with that one. If you ever decide to read this, I thought you should know that I love you and that I have never felt like this before. It is not infatuation or something that I can switch off and I know it is inconvenient for you. I didn't plan to fall again. The truth is I never got over you and I realised this morning that you are my first true love. I have dated before I met you, but I know now that I never loved them like I love you. You say you have feelings for me and that I opened your eyes as to how it can be. The question is why are you not doing something about it. I won't hurt you and I am scared too. I might also have to let you go if what you feel is not as strong as what I'm feeling and I am learning to make peace with that. I am learning to make peace with a lot of things. However, I need you to touch me one last time, kiss me, hold me. If you can't love me the way I love you, let me say goodbye and I will keep those memories alive inside of me. I am willing to give up my life here for you. I have never felt this comfortable with anyone before. Loving you is hard because of the uncertainty, but it is also the most effortless thing I have ever experienced. Saying goodbye to you that evening was one of the hardest things I have had to do. Returning home I was in a daze and I was feeling so empty. I am asking you to let me know how you feel about me. Let me in. I will always love you.
meraa5
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Standing at a grave
This post has been rewritten several times. Not sure where to start, not even sure what I want to achieve by writing this. What I do know is that people disappoint you so many times in so many ways. I would classify myself as an atheist nowadays, but is that who I really am? Standing at my cousin's grave today, I wrote a simple note to her and let the paper burn to release the energy into the universe and let the ashes become part of the earth that surrounds her grave. I could not let the feeling sink in or release with other people there, but I just wanted to let her know I was thinking of her. Can I not go back to that time when she was still around and I was not so messed up? I miss her so much on certain days.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
This is how I feel...
This is how I feel described beautifully and poignantly in a song...
Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you
I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was break me
Yeah, you wreck me
I put you high up in the sky
And now, you're not coming down
It slowly turned, you let me burn
And now, we're ashes on the ground
Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you
Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you
I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was break me
Yeah, you wreck me
I put you high up in the sky
And now, you're not coming down
It slowly turned, you let me burn
And now, we're ashes on the ground
Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Now
Do you sometimes stand silently somewhere, but even though your body can barely contain the screams, you have to keep it in and keep smiling. I have amazing friends, truly wonderful people who care about me and vice versa. They don't see what I'm going through and I am particularly gifted at pretending to be ok. I have also fallen in love before and I have been hurt, physically and emotionally. I equate love with pain. My heart has ached for months on end after breaking up with someone and I have believed that love doesn't exist. At this stage in my life I still do. I know I am a fiercely loyal person, being unfaithful to someone is not in my nature. I have also been accused of being a cheater. I was willing to date an abuser, an alcoholic. I went to meetings with the latter, loved every single screwed up bit of him. Not because I wanted to have someone in my life, but parts of my soul connected with who he was a person. Parts of my soul were also dying though. When you have something important to say and no one listens, your heart tends to break even more, and when that person is your boyfriend, it is even worse. I will never get to share the hurt and pain I have felt or endured with some people. I don't want to hurt them or keep reliving the past. Nietzsche said: "And when you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you." Hate consumes me at times. I am scared of what I might become if I don't guard against this.
Hope can be terribly cruel, a knife that twists and cuts deeper. The world is filled with dysfunctional, dishonest people. Why does it sometimes feel like I'm not even supposed to be here. Disillusioned, jaded, used and it doesn't seem to end. Relationships have never been my thing. Maybe I make it hard for someone to love me. Maybe I have unrealitistic expectations of what love should be like. Maybe I look for patterns based on memories of past relationships. When will I find that someone special every other person seems to magically find?
Which brings me to the one guy I will have an equal amount of good and bad memories of. If you ever read this Petunia, just remember that I loved you. You really hurt me.
Hope can be terribly cruel, a knife that twists and cuts deeper. The world is filled with dysfunctional, dishonest people. Why does it sometimes feel like I'm not even supposed to be here. Disillusioned, jaded, used and it doesn't seem to end. Relationships have never been my thing. Maybe I make it hard for someone to love me. Maybe I have unrealitistic expectations of what love should be like. Maybe I look for patterns based on memories of past relationships. When will I find that someone special every other person seems to magically find?
Which brings me to the one guy I will have an equal amount of good and bad memories of. If you ever read this Petunia, just remember that I loved you. You really hurt me.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Untitled
I realised I lost a friend today. Not only that, but also felt a deep longing for someone I shouldn't have those feelings for. I know I cannot be everything to everyone and that I have flaws and that I don't quite understand myself either. I do not know who I am or what it feels like to be that girl I used to be anymore. I feel as though I'm adrift, my steps and thoughts can be classified as perfunctory. I am constantly sad, I cry and I feel alone.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Work hard, play hard 2012
So, I have decided to shun all men...at least for a little while and get back to basics. Here are the goals for what's left of 2012:
Read two books per month
Take a roadtrip to Hartbeespoort Dam
Visit the Rosebank rooftop market taking the Gautrein
Get a tattoo on my right wrist (October to December)
Start learning Spanish
Read two books per month
Take a roadtrip to Hartbeespoort Dam
Visit the Rosebank rooftop market taking the Gautrein
Get a tattoo on my right wrist (October to December)
Start learning Spanish
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Apples on a tree
Girls are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach for the good ones, because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Today I said to an ex of mine that love is something you fight for. In that instant, however, I realised that I've been fighting for the wrong ones and I have settled for less than what I deserve several times. And the fight was focused on me not losing hope or keeping myself in a state of denial. It is time for me to move on.
In the past few months, two exes have apologised for what they did to me. I would like to think that I'm open in a relationship and easy to talk to, but maybe I am not. One actually said that he felt like he wasn't good enough for me and that my family disapproved of him, which was not true. My reply was: "Why didn't you talk to me about it?" He couldn't answer the question. I left that relationship feeling like a rotten apple and my choice in men thereafter reflected that. For years I felt like I was the problem when I treated them with nothing but respect and love. In my mind, being a rotten apple, was the way into someone's heart. This prison I have been living in for quite a while now was my own doing. I refuse to truly let people in, because the rejection at a later stage is painful and my heart could only take so much. I get jealous when I see how happy other people are. I realise now, more than ever, that I need to find my happy place and start walking the path to self acceptance. Change what I can with hard work lying ahead, but also adopt a new outlook on life when it comes to things I can't change.
Oh, and I need to start smiling more too. So I'll start with this one :)
The best ones are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach for the good ones, because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Today I said to an ex of mine that love is something you fight for. In that instant, however, I realised that I've been fighting for the wrong ones and I have settled for less than what I deserve several times. And the fight was focused on me not losing hope or keeping myself in a state of denial. It is time for me to move on.
In the past few months, two exes have apologised for what they did to me. I would like to think that I'm open in a relationship and easy to talk to, but maybe I am not. One actually said that he felt like he wasn't good enough for me and that my family disapproved of him, which was not true. My reply was: "Why didn't you talk to me about it?" He couldn't answer the question. I left that relationship feeling like a rotten apple and my choice in men thereafter reflected that. For years I felt like I was the problem when I treated them with nothing but respect and love. In my mind, being a rotten apple, was the way into someone's heart. This prison I have been living in for quite a while now was my own doing. I refuse to truly let people in, because the rejection at a later stage is painful and my heart could only take so much. I get jealous when I see how happy other people are. I realise now, more than ever, that I need to find my happy place and start walking the path to self acceptance. Change what I can with hard work lying ahead, but also adopt a new outlook on life when it comes to things I can't change.
Oh, and I need to start smiling more too. So I'll start with this one :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)