Standing at a grave

This post has been rewritten several times. Not sure where to start, not even sure what I want to achieve by writing this. What I do know is that people disappoint you so many times in so many ways. I would classify myself as an atheist nowadays, but is that who I really am? Standing at my cousin's grave today, I wrote a simple note to her and let the paper burn to release the energy into the universe and let the ashes become part of the earth that surrounds her grave. I could not let the feeling sink in or release with other people there, but I just wanted to let her know I was thinking of her. Can I not go back to that time when she was still around and I was not so messed up? I miss her so much on certain days.

This is how I feel...

This is how I feel described beautifully and poignantly in a song...

Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was break me
Yeah, you wreck me

I put you high up in the sky
And now, you're not coming down
It slowly turned, you let me burn
And now, we're ashes on the ground
Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

Now

Do you sometimes stand silently somewhere, but even though your body can barely contain the screams, you have to keep it in and keep smiling. I have amazing friends, truly wonderful people who care about me and vice versa. They don't see what I'm going through and I am particularly gifted at pretending to be ok. I have also fallen in love before and I have been hurt, physically and emotionally. I equate love with pain. My heart has ached for months on end after breaking up with someone and I have believed that love doesn't exist. At this stage in my life I still do. I know I am a fiercely loyal person, being unfaithful to someone is not in my nature. I have also been accused of being a cheater. I was willing to date an abuser, an alcoholic. I went to meetings with the latter, loved every single screwed up bit of him. Not because I wanted to have someone in my life, but parts of my soul connected with who he was a person. Parts of my soul were also dying though. When you have something important to say and no one listens, your heart tends to break even more, and when that person is your boyfriend, it is even worse. I will never get to share the hurt and pain I have felt or endured with some people. I don't want to hurt them or keep reliving the past. Nietzsche said: "And when you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you." Hate consumes me at times. I am scared of what I might become if I don't guard against this.

Hope can be terribly cruel, a knife that twists and cuts deeper. The world is filled with dysfunctional, dishonest people. Why does it sometimes feel like I'm not even supposed to be here. Disillusioned, jaded, used and it doesn't seem to end. Relationships have never been my thing. Maybe I make it hard for someone to love me. Maybe I have unrealitistic expectations of what love should be like. Maybe I look for patterns based on memories of past relationships. When will I find that someone special every other person seems to magically find?

Which brings me to the one guy I will have an equal amount of good and bad memories of. If you ever read this Petunia, just remember that I loved you. You really hurt me.