The desire to change must be greater than the desire to stay the same. I don't know who said that, but since our company's external launch, where the one director uttered those words, it has stuck with me. I do not feel like the same person I was a few years back and in some ways that is a good thing. Late at night I think about the things I really want and the things I have done, which compromised who and what I am. The reason why I do not even recognise myself anymore is because I have done things I am definitely not proud of. I used to love reading and staying at home, but I was also sheltered from real life by removing myself from it. I want to change, but I am not sure how badly I want it or why I have not done more to change my life. Honesty seems to be lacking. I think I am a good person, but I judge myself too harshly. How long am I going to continue circling the drain, allowing people to hurt me, before I make the necessary changes to my life and realise I deserve so much better. For those who have been included in this mad endeavour of mine, I am truly sorry. I did not mean to hurt you. All I can say is that the person you got to know is not me. Part of me, but not who I really am. It is so easy to hide and wallow in your comfort zone and pain. I have noticed that I give up even before I have truly entered the game or tried to fight against this.How do I push myself past this fear and the unknown. I do not know what the result will be if I do and it is keeping me here, trapped beneath the desire to stay the same.
People have read this blog and I have always said to them that I only write when I feel overwhelmed or overcome with certain feelings. I am not a headcase every single day. On Facebook I also came across another piece of writing. "If you don't understand my silence then you don't deserve my words." Very true statement. Makes me wonder why I continue to try and connect with certain people when they do not extend the same courtesy to me. At this stage I know I am terrified and I am unsure of whether my desire to change is greater than my desire to stay the same. I am 30 and I have not set out to do even half of what I wanted to. Do I want to stay the same? No. I do know my subconscious is keeping me here. I know I have to change to get what I want. I know the change is going to be painful and uncomfortable. Mood swings, lashing out because I am hurting or I feel alone, but I also know I am strong.
