I returned from a trip and left my heart there and I am not sure I am ever getting it back. I have had to let go of several people in my life over the past year. I have gone from exuding confidence and happiness to cowering in the corner and pretending I don't care, because I do not know who I am anymore. Ever single thing I thought I knew or believed about myself to be true is being challenged. I'm facing a lot of truths right and it's painful yet liberating at the same time. So let's get into those. My job has always been an extension of who I am, but I am feeling less and less inclined to just go with the flow and take everyone's shit anymore. I know that I am capable of so much more and it is time to tap into that. I know I am a good friend and I have been there for certain people, who turns out didn't value me as much as I did them. I can't hide who I am or convince them to be my friends. I can just keep doing this over and over again. Care for people and let them go. Those who want to be a part of my life will take the time to do that.
I know I don't make it easy to love me, because I don't feel worthy of love and I have also learned that love can be fleeting. I always seem to be at odds with that one. If you ever decide to read this, I thought you should know that I love you and that I have never felt like this before. It is not infatuation or something that I can switch off and I know it is inconvenient for you. I didn't plan to fall again. The truth is I never got over you and I realised this morning that you are my first true love. I have dated before I met you, but I know now that I never loved them like I love you. You say you have feelings for me and that I opened your eyes as to how it can be. The question is why are you not doing something about it. I won't hurt you and I am scared too. I might also have to let you go if what you feel is not as strong as what I'm feeling and I am learning to make peace with that. I am learning to make peace with a lot of things. However, I need you to touch me one last time, kiss me, hold me. If you can't love me the way I love you, let me say goodbye and I will keep those memories alive inside of me. I am willing to give up my life here for you. I have never felt this comfortable with anyone before. Loving you is hard because of the uncertainty, but it is also the most effortless thing I have ever experienced. Saying goodbye to you that evening was one of the hardest things I have had to do. Returning home I was in a daze and I was feeling so empty. I am asking you to let me know how you feel about me. Let me in. I will always love you.
