Dawning

The realisation has dawned on me. I can never love you in the way you want to be loved. I can also never allow things to continue in this manner. I will always listen to the song and have fond memories of the past and also what could have been, but I cannot continue to live in the past. I deserve to be treated differently. Yes, a lot of things do not count in our favour. However, I will always love you. Too many moments are spent reminiscing [sp] about the past. I need to find and build on my own happiness and that does not necessarily include you. I've been through a few really crappy events in my life and I've had to be strong. I had to count on myself, but self acceptance has always been lacking. I doubt a lot of things in my life currently, mostly my friends, their honesty and the choices I've made on my own. If I had even one ounce of the confidence I have now, my future and also my present would be very different.

Shaky ground

Life changing moments have a way of creeping up on you unexpectedly. I can't seem to escape November and what the month seems to lay on my doorstep. Last night I was calm and composed, but today everything just seems to unraveling. I was worried for the safety of a friend and now I'm worried that he will be OK and happy. Only time will tell what the future holds, but for the time being he seems to be doing fine.

I fell in love with a man in the here and now, someone I could physically touch. Even though I was holding back with him I gave him everything and showed him who I am. Things did not work out between us, but in a short space of time I experienced something amazing. I got a taste of what I've always wanted. That is not to say that he was THE one for there will always just be that one guy. When I speak to latter I try and not reveal exactly what is going on in my mind. We have been down that road before. Maybe I am clinging to fantasy.

Back to the guy I "dated"...if I can even call it that. He broke my heart and I do feel rejected. Not only a superficial level, but also on a deeper one. I tend to guard my heart and who I am, because letting someone into that space means that they can see all my vulnerabilities.

I've been emotional all day long and I feel so alone. I draw up a mental list of people I know and care about, friends and family. I need to talk to someone before I implode, but there doesn't seem to be anyone who would really understand what I'm going through at the moment. Maybe my mother was right. I have not been happy since high school days, which leaves me with only one person to effect changes in my life. Me. If only I could disappear into the abyss below me. Yet something inside of me compels me to fight. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. I must I'm tired of fighting for anything and I want to give up, but it isn't even an option really. I'm so confused.

Declaration

This is a declaration of my independence, freedom and womanhood. I had the entire post mapped out in my head and now I'm stuck, fingers hovering above the keyboard. Let's give it a bash though.

I have stated that I deserve to be happy and I would not be settling anymore. This is a fact. I am done playing the little games people play and allowing others to do that to me. I have realised that the only person who has a say in my life is me and I determine my own happiness.

So many adjectives have been thrown around to describe me and I have failed to acknowledge them in the past. The time to change is now, however. The semblance of sanity, diplomacy and reserve will be replaced by my authentic self, which I have been too scared to show or reveal to others. If for some odd reason that does not agree with you, you are more than welcome to remove yourself from my life. I will not be the little puppy running behind you, begging for seconds. Fact is, if I was important to you at all you would make the time for me like I have. Life is damn short if the events of 2006 are anything to go by. Not a day goes by that I don't miss Candace and this feeling will never go away. Time is too fleeting to waste time waiting for life to happen. Trust me, it won't unless you take action. Tell the people close to you that you love them, show them in ways almost unimaginable. Let people into your life. Smile at a stranger, work hard, play hard. Squeeze every single drop of pleasure out of daily life, savour experiences. Do things that scare you. Wear a scarlet red lipstick. Live life.

I have never really looked at myself in the mirror. I have never really taken the time to get to know Mercia. This must be sounding really silly, but I don't care. I get so angry at myself when I think about all those years I have wasted, but I have to go easy on myself and live by the following: "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." Maya Angelou

Open

Unbutton your clothes
Undress your soul, show them your vigor
Are those inhibitions easiest to fear?

Seems like the easiest thing in the world to let each piece of clothing drop to the floor, exposing your flesh. Metaphorically speaking, it is not really that easy. To reveal your insecurities and vulnerabilities to someone takes a lot of courage and inner strength. I want to open up to someone in that way. Quietly observing, I look at the world around me and the people I encounter and I feel a very obvious void in my life. I can try and articulate what this emptiness entails, but I don't think I am able to at this stage. I know too little about myself and who I am or I am just afraid to try. I don't understand how I can be at odds with myself like this. At least I can say I have truly loved a man and I did it with my entire being. I told him how I felt, but I don't think he ever truly got it.

They say that if you let something go and it doesn't come back to you it never really was yours to begin with. In the movie, Practical Magic, Sandra Bullock draws up a list of requirements for the perfect man. Eventually, their paths cross even though she thought she'd never find him. I want to be able to drop my clothes to the floor and feel safe with that man in that particular moment. No judgement, no fear. I want a man who shares my love for music. I want him to send me a song he came across somewhere. I want him to beside himself with excitement. I want him to share the song with me. I want to dance close to him for hours. I want him to kiss me and make my skin feel weak. I want to laugh when we share silly moments. I want him to hold me when I feel sad, which I do often. I want to reveal who I am to him.

NO means NO

I want to give voice to what I'm feeling. Jotting your thoughts down is supposed to be therapeutic, but sometimes I doubt that. I'm focusing on the construction of my sentences and the spelling rather than the content. It's never good enough and I'm trying to let the words flow and give meaning to what I'm feeling. For far too long I've been silencing what I'm feeling in the name of love and respect. Lowering and raising my standards at the same time and I really do not know how to change that at this stage. Have I ever really been happy at all? What is happiness?

The Slutwalk has been making the headlines in the news; a powerful feminist movement and protest against rape and sexual abuse. The clothing a woman chooses to adorn her body does not give any man the right to touch her without her consent and it is actually frightening to think how many men perceive certain outfits as provocation and invitation to do what they want.

NO means NO.

Would you like for me to repeat it in other languages?

minime
nei
nej
nee
cha
nein
illaï
Нет
não
ohi
non

Would it make any difference at all? The way gender is constructed in society does not allow for individuality and expression.

Fool

A seed is scooped up by the wind; light and carefree until that moment where the wind stops blowing or the seed hits something. Confused, it starts to look for a place to settle and start germinating and grow into something beautiful, but it is an unfamiliar, alien territory. I have also been that fool, trying to grow and lift my leaves up to the sun. The soil was toxic, however, and I still continue to let it poison my roots, because of guilt and what could be manipulation. I am moving past that terrible feeling of wanting revenge and redemption, but I still want that look of being left wanting more.

Joy and misery are two sides of a coin everyone wants regardless of what they might or might not say.

Visual interpretation of Superman by Stereophonics

A fake, emasculated "Superman", not quite the hero; he is propelled by his own ego. Superman should be able to fly using his powers, but he uses the plane.

Starts off with a penthouse apartment with floor to ceiling windows/walls and it is initially shot in black and white. There is a bed with messed up white linen. A woman with dark hair wearing a button up blouse, barelegged. When the softer bit starts at the beginning she is lying on the bed. During the smooth bits of the song, the camera scans and pans her body and legs entwined in the white linen. She's clutching the linen as if in a bad dream; she is in the throes thereof, which becomes symbolic of the rocky relationship. Musicians perceive their instruments as their love or baby. During the more melodic bit of the song you hear more pronounced guitar sounds in between. The guitar sounds would represented by the colour scenes of the guy playing the guitar, which is interjected between the black and white scenes of the woman on the bed. It signifies his torment in making the right decision. The black and white scenes of the woman would become progressively less as the song goes along.

The song starts picking up in intensity towards the end. The scenes of the guy stroking and playing his guitar now erases the woman's presence from his mind and heart. Colour becomes the truth; he chooses the guitar and the lifestyle of a rock star over her. She is gone from his mind and thoughts. Instead of actually using the imagery of "another woman" he wants to sleep with, the guitar would be used as a metaphor; the lines and planes of the instrument simulating the body of a woman.

Lyrics
You don't know what it's been like
Meeting someone like you
You don't know what it's been like
Meeting someone like you

You look like Jesus on an aeroplane
Ya head's against the window pane
You got opinions but you ain't got news
You got good laughs but when it suits you

You turn it on like a leaking tap
Dripping dropping people drop of a hat
You gotta mouth but you ain't got guts
That drunken mouth you should keep it shut

You don't know what it's been like
Meeting someone like you

Superman on an aeroplane
Sitting next to Lois Lane
You got that woman but you want her gone
So you can sleep with a teenage blonde

You wear a mask, wear an armoured suit
Can't get to you with the gun I shoot
Ya play your cards close to your chest
Because ya poker face is a dreary mess

You don't know what it's been like
Meeting someone like you

Superman on an aeroplane
Sitting next to Lois Lane
You got that woman but you want her gone
So you can fuck a teenage blonde

You turn it on like a leaking tap
Dripping dropping people drop of a hat
You gotta mouth but you ain't got guts
That drunken mouth you should keep it shut

Scared

I don't think people are aware of how scared I am on a daily basis. Scared of making a mistake, being alone, losing a loved one or hearing the dreaded word, no, especially when it comes to my studies. Working and studying, both on a full time basis, is no small feat and I have to push myself way past the point of exhaustion to stay ahead. Granted I do procrastinate and I can be lazy sometimes, but I do try my best. I wonder if it is worth it sometimes? Yes, it is. Me not studying is like a fish in the absence of water. Facts excite me and I love learning new things. It doesn't even have to be in a formal environment. When you expand your mind, you expand your world and your experiences.

All I think about is you

And when the night falls in around me. I dont think I'll make it through. I'll use your light to guide the way 'cause all I think about is you

I have been told by friends that I make life very difficult for myself. That might be true. I loved a man for over two years and even though I dated during that time all I thought about was him. My heart was never my own as it always belonged to him. It was his to have and hold and to treasure or crush between his fingers. I'll never quite forget how he made me feel, how much I loved him and I guess that feeling has not dissipated yet. How do you let go when you loved someone with your entire being? With every single breath I dragged from my lungs and every single beat of my heart, I could not deny these feelings. Jealousy sets in when I think about him with someone else.

Never felt that I measured up to what he wanted in a woman and how I wished I could have been that to him. His one and only. Life is what it is, however. The beauty is that we find someone to love again if we open ourselves up to the possibility. I hope to find that someday and I hope I will get the opportunity to love that way again.

A firm decision

This is the year I turn 30. It's a terrifying thought to contemplate and I feel that I have not done nearly enough with my life. I'm getting there slowly. I choose to effect changes now. I choose to be happy and I won't let any man take that away from me again. I am strong and deep inside me I have always known that even when I chose to look the other way. That is what it boils down to in the end. Your choices.

By chance I stumbled across the title of John Gray's book, entitled Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I've heard of it, but never had the desire to read it until now. It catapulted the idea of gender differences into the mainstream. So I got a copy of the book for my Kindle and I'm looking forward to the read. Wikipedia mentions the "cave and wave" idea. Men retreat into their "cave" when women want to talk and a woman's love is like a wave. It continues to go with the ebb and flow of the tides until she realizes her love is not being returned in the way she would like it to be. The "wave" crashes. I think I'll have a better idea of the latter concept once I've read the book. Of course there is criticism to the ideas purported by Gray, but I'll start with his book and work from there. I'm looking for answers. I know what I do wrong when it comes to relationships. Mostly I'm afraid of love. I am scared of opening up and letting someone see both the good and the bad parts. At the same time, there is a quote by Marilyn Monroe I truly and fully identify with:

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

Undeniably, a very profound quote in its simplicity. Honestly, I haven't felt this alone in a very long time. I have lost some incredible friends over the past few months. Well, some of these friendships were not good for me. I overlooked a lot of things I did not agree with and I have done things I swore I would never do. Lyrics by Staind pop into my head; a song called Right here.

I know I've been mistaken,
but just give me a break and see the changes that I've made.
I've got some imperfections,
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

[Chorus]
But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending, it's as much as I can take.
And you're so independent, you just refuse to bend
So I keep bending 'till I break

[Chorus]
But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I've made a commitment, I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you

Why can't you just forgive me?
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way...

But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away, would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting

I touch the way I love and I'm looking for that one person who will accept the good and the bad. Whether it be love or friendship. I won't compromise who I am anymore though.