Van Gogh & Coronation

Vincent van Gogh was a remarkable 19th century post-impressionist artist who led a life of obscurity with only one painting being sold during his lifetime and a few other artworks traded for art supplies. The paintings produced during the the peak of this art movement or genre were characterized by the vivid, arbitrary colour usage of the artists, the thick application of paint, distinctive brush strokes, and preference for real life subject matter where geometric forms were emphasized and often distorted for expressive effect. During my first year at Tuks studying graphic design I had the opportunity to take Art History as a subject and I had a brief, but intense introduction to the various art movements dating back as far as the timeline allowed to more recent art movements such as digital art and postmodernism.

The advertisement of Coronation Fund Managers featured a chronological exposition of Van Gogh's artworks where a few inconsistencies came to light. In order of appearance, some of the paintings that were highlighted during the advertisement include:

Sunflowers, France: August, 1888
Vincent's Bedroom in Arles, Saint-Rémy: September, 1889
Wheatfield with crows, Auvers-sur-Oise: July, 1890
Irises, Saint-Rémy, France: May, 1889
Self-Portrait with bandaged ear, Arles: January, 1889
The starry night, Saint-Rémy, France: June, 1889

Looking at the dates when these paintings were produced by Van Gogh, it is evident that the advertisement was not an accurate reflection of the chronological order of his paintings.

Overwhelmed by the emotions threatening to consume him, Vincent van Gogh mutilated the lower part of his ear on 23 December 1888, which was not only indicative of the chaotic mental state he was in, but could also have been attributed to a lovers' spat with fellow artist, Paul Gauguin, according to my Art History professor at university.

Wheatfield with crows was an ominous composition of acidic colours and disjointed brush strokes, which was symbolic of the disconnection he felt towards both the subject matter at hand as well as life. This artwork was produced towards the end of his lifetime just before he commited suicide. Even though he was such a tortured individual prone to self mutilation and mental instability, Vincent van Gogh was a brilliant artist and the ostentatious swirls of gas and bold brushwork of Starry night still leave me in awe.

The onset of adulthood - Goals for 2010/2011

One of my friends continues to set goals for himself and he monitors them constantly (makes for a funny read too sometimes). Honest and truthful, he sets out to achieve these goals even when he fails and I guess it's inspiring in a way. I have a bucket list, which I compiled a while ago and this will supplement that list, but with a more short term oriented approach. Herewith my goals for 2011:

1. Adopt an attitude of "talk less, do more"
2. Finish 70-100% of my Information Science degree modules
3. Run a 10km race
4. Lose weight, become fit and eat more healthily
5. Learn Spanish or Italian (I had a thought today whilst waiting in the car: Why not make use of one of my loves to achieve this goal? I can listen to songs in the language I am trying to learn. The reason? Twofold really. I can listen to how the words are pronounced and test my knowledge by trying to identify what is being said. My native language is Afrikaans and a combination of reading, watching English programs and speaking and studying in English at university lead to a marked improvement in my English vocabulary)
6. See at least one international act live, preferably a band or artist I love DONE
7. Start and finish an acrylic painting (I should really invest in some lessons as I am not too bad with acrylic, but it is not my preferred medium)
8. Dress like a goth for a day (highly dependent on 4)
9. Get another tattoo on my right wrist (must only be done by Brent Goudie)
10. Act or behave more like a lady and open myself up more to things in life (read an interesting article on adultitis and how to cure yourself from this condition. We lose our childlike innocence as we grow older and it's important to not become jaded. I know I have become a bit more cynical and, as my friend Selwin observed, more feministic and I guess in a way that is true. From the outside, I might even seem to be harbouring misandric views. Misogyny is the hatred of women whereas misandry is the hatred of men. I don't think I hate men really per se, but my exposure to the opposite sex in the past few years has been anything but pleasant.)
11. Work on the balance and harmony in my life (spiritual, physical, intellectual, emotional)
12. Visit Cape Town, take in the surroundings (I want to keep the memories close to my heart forever.)
13. Celebrate my 30th birthday like I've never celebrated anything before (I tend to joke a lot about my age and I do feel 60 sometimes, but need to change my attitude. As they say, if you don't like it, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Cliches are best served and internalized with insight, knowledge and wisdom. You've got to take these truths to heart.)
14. Be grateful for every smile, opportunity, and kindred spirit I encounter on a daily basis (find and explore one thing that makes me smile, I see as beautiful or make me appreciate life daily)
15. Buy a pair of ridiculously high Aldo shoes (Ok, this is a guilty pleasure.)
16. Trust my instincts more and develop an accurate view of myself, whether it be strengths or weaknesses that I identify (Definitely tied or linked to 11)
17. Almost forgot this one?! I need to be more active and dancing is way up there on my list of fun things to do when you want to break some sweat, get rid of the cortisol in your body and release those feel good endorphins (also linked to 4). So, the goal is to either join a gym and partake in dance classes, join a dancing school/academy or get a few DVDs and dance around like a mad person in my room.
18. Rediscover one of my forgotten passions, namely reading. Read at least three books a month.

Hope

The pain shoots to my fingertips as the dull ache in my heart moves and flows down my arms. Loss isn't something you can explain to someone unless they have experienced it. It makes you see and feel things with astonishing clarity, sights and smells seem brighter and more pronounced. It makes you reevaluate your choices and question what you set out to achieve. To have felt (and still feel) love, the kind that lives on forever, is beautiful and it changes you. I wish you knew how much I loved you and how it hurts me to be apart from you. My life is complicated and a mess and I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but amongst this chaos, I've been steadily achieving the goals I set for myself and I hope this has not lead to me losing the one thing I want more than life itself. Clinging to a fantasy doesn't help, and hope can be cruel, but I refuse to let go of my dreams and I want you to be part of them. Maybe you won't be. I cannot predict the future. I can only continue to hope that what you feel for me is strong enough to survive this.

Be that

Help...silent, unwavering from deep inside. Somedays I don't even care what I do anymore. You want me to be THAT? I'll be that. Why should I care?

The battle

It's an uphill climb, a battle. A battle of wills with myself. I feel nothing, yet I feel everything. If that even makes sense? Nothing I'm studying seems to stick, struggling to concentrate and I wish I could talk to someone about what I'm feeling. I have such bad memories from the last time I studied for an exam, which was November 2008. Talking to someone would make me feel better. I'm so close to giving up, but I know I can't. Again, music seems to be my saving grace when I feel alone and need someone to be there for me. I give so much of myself to be there for others, but who is there for me when I need them. No one really believes me and I will carry this like a cross until I'm ready to let go. Indifference seems to be the constant state I'm in, but it's also a form of denial.

I want to dedicate every single step I take towards my own happiness to be a tribute to you and the person that you were. I want your memory to replace the bad ones I seem to hold close to my heart. Please give me the answers I need. Replace this void with something real, tangible and beautiful. Make me feel secure in who I am. I feel like I'm almost praying to you. I really need you. I miss the person I was with you and the person you thought I was. All I see when I look in the mirror is this broken person always trying to be a better person, friend and I don't think I'm doing a good job at that.

Give me the strength to love with my whole heart, to pursue my dreams and gain clarity on my future. Deep down I know my potential to be and do all those things just needs to be unlocked, quietly lurking underneath the surface and waiting for me to step up to the plate.

I always loved the serenity prayer even though I'm not a devout Christian.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference.

Never forgotten

I haven't thought about you in a while. Time does heal all wounds and my heart doesn't ache anymore. I miss you though. I miss the way you smelled when I hugged you close to me and your soft, sweet presence. The way you held my hand when we crossed the road. I was very selfish at that time, young and ignorant, and I cannot make up for the lost time. Somedays I get emotional when I think about you. I do not want to forget you. I hold onto the lingering memories of you and I'm not as sad as I used to be, but things will never be the same. I'll never be the girl I was before.

My last memories of you are of Orlando Bloom and Lord of the rings, pizza, Aero and the day at Bruma lake market where you bought me that armband and I can't believe that's all I can remember. Surely I can recall something of substance and meaning? I haven't forgotten how beautiful you were and how you touched the lives of others. I feel so incredibly alone most of the time. People come and go in my life and I let them. I feel like I am only existing, not really living. I feel like I stopped living when you passed away. Is there a trick or secret to being truly happy? I see so many happy faces around me and I am not. I wish you were here with me. Maybe I'd have a reason to smile. I miss you so much.

Slipping away

Don't you feel how softly my fingertips move over your warm skin? Don't you see my soul is exposed in my eyes and I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve? Don't you know I love you? I wish I didn't feel this way. The intensity scares me, because I'm not sure you feel the same way. My touch is only a dream for now, but I see you when I close my eyes and I can almost touch you. Your face is above mine and I'm holding onto you tightly. I never want to let go. Love come and goes and losing you almost destroyed me once. I want to know things, but the truth will hurt me. I do not want to relive that again, but I feel you slipping away.

Perennial garden of love

When it comes to romance in my life, I shy away from that concept and I merely flutter past you on a destination unknown to even myself. A plethora of reasons elude you. Fear keeps me from taking a risk and challenging what could and might have been. It doesn't mean that I don't love you, but rather that my perception of love has been tainted by past experiences and I don't want to apply that to you or lose what we have at present.

However, my presence as a friend can be compared to a plant with strong roots and you are nestled close to me in a garden of flowers, shrubs and trees. I am also the gardener who loves to dig into the earth, clear away the debris and water each plant. Lovingly nurtured from the start, I painstakingly cut away at the pieces hampering your growth until every single bud starts to bloom with eye catching clarity and beauty. Others should delight in that beauty for each blossom is a concentration of the purity and essence of your soul and it should be shown to the world. In the absence of light, or perhaps I should rather say love, the green leaves and blossoms start to wither and die. Eventually some of blossoms will have to die, because we grow and flourish as individuals as the years accumulate.

I treasure each moment with you my friend and the laughter and meaning you bring to my life. I will never disappear completely or leave you to fend on your own. There is strength in numbers and we can take on anything together as a team. Just like a bunch of plants slowly moving through our life cycle, we sometime turn our leaves and flowers toward the sun and other times we face and endure the rainy weather, but you are never alone.

Moments

The clouds unfurl the twinkle of twilight stars and the dying colours of sunset recede into my heart, the warmth palpable. The vocals of Elisabeth Fraser in Massive Attack's Teardrop makes me contemplate us. The lyrics move me: "Love, love is a verb. Love is a doing word. Fearless on my breath. Gentle impulsion. Shakes me makes me lighter." If only you could see me smile when I think about you, you never would have doubted a single word from my lips. My whole face lights up and little sparks ignite from the inside.

My singlemost important, yet unexpressed wish is to follow my heart straight into your arms, but life is not a romantic movie with a happy ending. Every stride I take in this day-to-day madness could bring me closer to you or it might take me away from you. Love is pure and ethereal. It's like a featherlight caress on a lover's skin, but in my experience, the flutter also leaves pain and utter devastation in its wake. Love can be transitory. What if you wake up and realise that the feeling has come and gone. Where would that leave me?

You make me melt, you make my eyes sparkle, you make me love you. I can't hide what I feel for you. I'm a paradox, a contradiction. I think about the future and the past, I think about the present. Sometimes I sit and daydream about a time where our love would be a reality. Emotions tangibly expressed and the product would be an amalgamation of us. People don't always realise that heaven can also be found here on earth. Maybe Belinda Carlisle did. I know that if your eyes left mine, it would stir a longing in me, which could not be contained. I know that one moment in your arms would leave me with something to hold onto forever. I had a taste of forever, a taste of what true love could be like and, one day, when my bones crumble and my hair is the colour of snow, I will think about you and a smile would once again linger on my face.

Terribly confusing times

Love terrifies me. The thought of relinquishing myself to someone is very scary indeed. What I look for and that indescribable beauty is marred by my own fears.

One sentence

A lot was left unspoken, because you wanted to leave.

Stars on the ground

An impromptu trip led to a wave of change inside of me. I was invited to spend a weekend on a farm high up in the Soutpansberg in Louis Trichardt. We arrived at La Roche (French for The Rock) as the sun began to set. I was looking up at a night sky unfamiliar to me, one filled with millions of stars and a clearly visible milky way. I spent a half an hour lying on the patio looking at this scene and I thought about my favourite painting of all time, Vincent van Gogh's Starry Night, and at that moment I knew that this is what he must have seen or experienced when he painted that beautiful piece of art. Swirls of light indicating the milky way and glowing spheres of gas in the sky.

The simplicity of life on the farm was an eye opener to me. We were by no means isolated or devoid of some of the conveniences of modern life such as electricity or running water, but it was definitely an experience of note. Michel's dad moved from Belgium to South Africa when he was 30. I was fascinated by the exchanges in French between Michel and his dad.

Arriving in Pretoria, I realised that the lights of the city resemble stars, stars on the ground. The lights in the sky up north was replaced by the twinkling lights of the city with its air of decadence and temptation.

Thinkative Media

I took a risk and gained a lot of insight and knowledge from the experience. I created two logos featuring two completely different styles in the past two months. The plan has always been to start my own web design or development business at some stage and I began this journey almost 9 years ago. I've always shown an interest in art and enrolled at Tuks to study Information Design, otherwise known as Graphic Design. Not quite what I expected it to be as I wanted to do more computer graphics and so I decided to change my degree. Multimedia was the perfect mesh of the technology and artistic creativity. However, I'm still not sure whether it imposes boundaries or limits on what one can do or allows one to reach a creativity level that is almost infinite. I'm hoping to find that out as time goes by and I look forward to each challenge with a renewed sense of self, enthusiasm, and a passion for art I have repressed for a very long time. Since switching to Multimedia I have changed my degree yet again a few years ago and I'm planning to finish my Information Science degree in the coming years, but I will continue to follow my dream.

I found an interesting quote on the web the other day when I was wallowing in self pity: Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it. My journey starts now. The year 2010 is the time for a new beginning, it marks the birth of Thinkative Media.

Negative thoughts

Staind fits my mood tonight. The hard, anguish filled lyrics seem to resonate with what I'm feeling on the inside. The fact that I sometimes sit in silence, but on the inside I'm livid and mad and angry and frustrated. Thoughts roam inside my head and it makes me want to stand up and start trashing the room. Satisfying shatters and smashes. Hitting and breaking everything in my path until the anger slowly dissipates and leaves my body in a loud whoosh. Almost like a deflating balloon.

Sometimes I spend time with people who make me feel alive and energetic. Their enthusiasm for what they do on a daily basis inspire me. I want to bottle these moments and when the negative ideas start to pile up again, I want to pop off the cap and inhale and let the energy infuse my being and dispel the dark, cloudy ones in my mind. And you are always on my mind, but I wonder if I'm on yours most of the time.

Dream lover

I woke from my dream bathed in a warm glow even after the imagery had disappeared. This one was about you. When I said you will always be the one who got away I meant it.

It started off with my eyes being closed, but suddenly you were there with me and you were kissing me. I won't ever forget the way you tasted and, as weird as this may sound, I can recall every sensation I was experiencing with you. The feel of your tongue moving against mine once I started responding, passionate with gentle, teasing probes before you pulled away. The perfect kiss. My eyes remained closed and my hand reached out to you in an effort to pull you closer and kiss you again. I opened my eyes. My word, your eyes were so beautiful just like I imagined them to be. You took my breath away.

We drove to my house in Cape Town and I think my parents had relocated there as well. Taking charge of the situation, you went in and met them before whisking me away again. A green, hilly landscape flashed past us with grey overcast skies. I felt so relaxed and happy. At some point we were walking. The proverbial road to nowhere. Yet it seemed like you were familiar with the area. Nothing else mattered in these moments though, except that I was with you. We kissed several times and you held me close, you playfully lifted me and carried me. Protesting wildly when you touched my leg later on (for some odd reason I had not shaved and I thought the faint stubble would make you recoil in horror). You didn't and teased me about it. You made me feel beautiful. We reached a mall, you quickly went into a store and I stayed outside waiting for you. Returning with a smile you kissed me again and my face broke into a huge, happy grin.

The details of what I had dreamt are starting to fade now and I desperately wish I could still be there with you. I want to fall asleep and meet up with you in my dreams. The physical dimension of you completed my mental picture of you. You are the embodiment of what I have always wanted in a man. What attracted me to you initially was how articulate you were, your intelligence and wicked sense of humour. You are such a gentle and loving soul, but a strong, focused and protective man. Many days I have burst into laughter recalling your tale about the boomslang and your admiration of its dedication in launching itself from a tree in order to get his or her prey (and the fact that you almost had a boomslang scarf makes me giggle uncontrollably). I won't ever forget you and things are so akward between us now. It is my fault, but it's just one of the many misunderstandings between us and I won't go into the details of why and how. You don't know the real me and you perceived my absence as disinterest. I am sorry that I hurt you and that I wasn't there for you. I don't think you will ever see this. In my dreams I spend time with you and I will treasure it forever.

Don't tell me I didn't love you or that I just loved the idea of you, because the way you made me feel was real and it was more than an infatuation to me. I just wanted you to know that. It's making me a little bit sad now. I will have to move on at some stage even though my heart still belongs to you and maybe it always will. The lyrics of Chevelle's Closure are apt, but I'm not there yet nor do I want those words to ring true.

The clock

Time for a change, time for reprieve. I lay here in silence. Strange how it echoes, washes over me in waves, even though it represents nothingness and emptiness. I smile, but look closely, the sunshine doesn't quite reach my eyes. I can give it to you in immeasurable amounts and make your face light up, but I never keep some for me. Inside I'm dying as I cry. My soul is raw from clawing my way out of this hole. Every second ticks by loudly as the arms on an imaginary clock on the wall move. Tick tock tick tock. The pain is unbearable and I pray fervently to release me from this hell. I relinquish myself, my life, at times when I'm too tired to fight against it, to whatever is out there, but I get no reply. The clock keeps ticking steadily. Unwavering in its resolve to drive me insane, keep me in this moment. Time covers me its heavy blanket and it suffocates me. It moves, but I'm stuck. I see the light peeping through the corner, mocking me. Can't you see that I can survive here much longer? Why won't you let me out? Let me breathe.

Geared up for a losing battle

Don't make me give up...I have tried and given all of the me in the pursuit of this, but is seems that I'm fighting a losing battle. The effort doesn't equal the reward. The reward has become a consolation prize. Do I crave the inevitable devastation and loss? Do I resign myself to fact of not ever knowing what it feels like? Do I continue believing in the fantasy? Is it a construct of the mind, more specifically mine? Does it exist?

I don't want to stop believing in it. Why does it feel like an unattainable ideal though? Should I believe in something that could perhaps make me feel alive? Kind of like music does, emotionally charged melodies, rhythms and sounds with the ability of taking me to a different time and space. Music resonates with my soul. When I close my eyes and let the music take me, the beauty of this world resurrects itself in my mind's eye. In that moment I'm ok.

What's in a name?

Inspired by a fellow blogger with fairly interesting views on the world (optimist of note), I have started to chronicle my own experiences and things I have come across on a daily basis. Note this doesn't mean that I will post something every single day, but I will write from the heart when I do. I should have started with this post as the introduction to my blog, but opted to post things I have written in the past. Let me start off by saying, my punctuation is bad (should really look into improving this). I'm not writing this for the benefit of anyone, but myself.

So who is Mercia? People often buy books with thousands of baby names hoping to find something that will appeal to them and describe the bundle of joy that will grace the world with its presence very soon. According to sources, Mercia was the name of the Anglo-Saxon kingdom, which dominated England during the 8th century under its king, Offa. It is also the latinate elaboration of mercy. I was named after my aunt who never had children of her own. My surname, which I won't mention here, is Polish. As far as the last piece of information goes, I'm neither emerged in that culture nor do I speak Polish. Friends rarely call me by my name and use nicknames like Meraa or Miss M or J. In a way, the use of my actual name has negative connotations for me. It's like being transported back to my childhood and being chided by my mother after having done something wrong (it's funny actually).

Synchronicity

Holding an old record by The Police in my hands, I am struck by the title: Synchronicity. There is a theory or philosophical concept by Carl Jung called synchronicity, temporally coincident occurences of acausal events or, in short, meaningful coincidences. Before a very important person in my life died, I used to glance at the clock and it would be double digit combination like 09:09 or 15:15 and I would comment on the strange occurence to my friends and family. Shortly after she died in 2006 this stopped completely, but I didn't make the connection at that time.

My aunt joined a support group, Compassionate Friends, to deal with her daughter's death. A woman attended a session one day who was also numerologist and practised Kabbalah. She took my cousin's birthdate and worked out her number.She was born on the 9th of April in 1991: 9 + 4 + 1 + 9 + 9 + 1 = 33. That number would again be simplified to a one digit number (3 + 3 = 6), but the fact that it ended on a double digit is significant. People whose number is double digit before simplification have a special aura about them. They are exposed to incredible hardships and pain, but touch the lives of others with their mere presence and inner beauty and creativity.

My cousin was a softspoken, delicate beauty and compassionate person. Her relationship was strained with her father and he didn't play an active role in her life. When she was admitted to the hospital, even though she was terribly ill, she was always more concerned about other people and what they were going through. She was one of a kind. In this day and age how many people are truly philanthropists at heart and would help out their fellow human being. I only made the connection between the time and her number afterwards and it makes sense to me. Everything is energy and connected and I believe in signs. Life is precious and should not be taken for granted. Something so simple is actually very hard to do and people become jaded far too early on in life. The beauty of a sunset with bold strokes of a golden or mandarin orange and dusky pink or the bright lights of a cityscape echoing the twinkle of stars in the sky are lost on most observers. So when I come across these I acknowledge them as they serve as a personal reminder of how short life can be.

The lyrics of two songs come to mind when I think about you (The Offspring's Gone away and Adema's Do you hear me) and I do that often ...

I reach to the sky
And call out your name
Oh please let me trade
I would

And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven's so far away

Things to do before I die

People often forget how short life can be and that's why I have decided to compile a list of things I want to do before I die. This list is nowhere complete and I will continue to update it as I go along. Even the little things are important and every opportunity should be seized in order for you to be able say that you have truly lived. The word regret shouldn't be part of your vocabulary at all.

1. Firewalking
2. Bungee jumping off the Bloukrans River bridge, the highest commercial bungee jump in the world
3. Skydiving
4. Star Wars marathon (all six movies in one go)
5. Take part in a 10km run in 2010
6. Learn to play a musical instrument (at the moment it's a guitar)
7. Go goth for a day
8. Get my degree in Information Science as well as my BIS Hons.
9. Visit Copenhagen, Ireland, Istanbul and Prague
10. See Nine Inch Nails live in concert
11. Visit England (this one is for you Andy)
12. Learn and master a foreign language (Spanish/French/Italian) - must be able to to converse comfortably in the language (I was pretty upset when I wasn't able to follow the movie, Coco Avant Chanel. Some of the nuances and storyline was lost, because I do not speak or understand French)
13. Learn how to swing poi (and eventually even fire poi) keeping to a smooth cadence
14. Go see Vincent van Gogh's Starry Night at the MOMA in New York.
15. Attend a concert by famous DJ such as Tiesto, Paul van Dyk, Armin van Buuren, Markus Schulz. DONE

Some things dictate urgency and in that spirit, the following needs to be done this year:

3. Skydiving, bungee jumping or parachuting (I realised this after spending a few minutes trapped on a roof with a fear usually unknown to me - a fear of heights. I almost passed out and I must be getting old)