Standing at a grave

This post has been rewritten several times. Not sure where to start, not even sure what I want to achieve by writing this. What I do know is that people disappoint you so many times in so many ways. I would classify myself as an atheist nowadays, but is that who I really am? Standing at my cousin's grave today, I wrote a simple note to her and let the paper burn to release the energy into the universe and let the ashes become part of the earth that surrounds her grave. I could not let the feeling sink in or release with other people there, but I just wanted to let her know I was thinking of her. Can I not go back to that time when she was still around and I was not so messed up? I miss her so much on certain days.