The battle

It's an uphill climb, a battle. A battle of wills with myself. I feel nothing, yet I feel everything. If that even makes sense? Nothing I'm studying seems to stick, struggling to concentrate and I wish I could talk to someone about what I'm feeling. I have such bad memories from the last time I studied for an exam, which was November 2008. Talking to someone would make me feel better. I'm so close to giving up, but I know I can't. Again, music seems to be my saving grace when I feel alone and need someone to be there for me. I give so much of myself to be there for others, but who is there for me when I need them. No one really believes me and I will carry this like a cross until I'm ready to let go. Indifference seems to be the constant state I'm in, but it's also a form of denial.

I want to dedicate every single step I take towards my own happiness to be a tribute to you and the person that you were. I want your memory to replace the bad ones I seem to hold close to my heart. Please give me the answers I need. Replace this void with something real, tangible and beautiful. Make me feel secure in who I am. I feel like I'm almost praying to you. I really need you. I miss the person I was with you and the person you thought I was. All I see when I look in the mirror is this broken person always trying to be a better person, friend and I don't think I'm doing a good job at that.

Give me the strength to love with my whole heart, to pursue my dreams and gain clarity on my future. Deep down I know my potential to be and do all those things just needs to be unlocked, quietly lurking underneath the surface and waiting for me to step up to the plate.

I always loved the serenity prayer even though I'm not a devout Christian.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference.

Never forgotten

I haven't thought about you in a while. Time does heal all wounds and my heart doesn't ache anymore. I miss you though. I miss the way you smelled when I hugged you close to me and your soft, sweet presence. The way you held my hand when we crossed the road. I was very selfish at that time, young and ignorant, and I cannot make up for the lost time. Somedays I get emotional when I think about you. I do not want to forget you. I hold onto the lingering memories of you and I'm not as sad as I used to be, but things will never be the same. I'll never be the girl I was before.

My last memories of you are of Orlando Bloom and Lord of the rings, pizza, Aero and the day at Bruma lake market where you bought me that armband and I can't believe that's all I can remember. Surely I can recall something of substance and meaning? I haven't forgotten how beautiful you were and how you touched the lives of others. I feel so incredibly alone most of the time. People come and go in my life and I let them. I feel like I am only existing, not really living. I feel like I stopped living when you passed away. Is there a trick or secret to being truly happy? I see so many happy faces around me and I am not. I wish you were here with me. Maybe I'd have a reason to smile. I miss you so much.

Slipping away

Don't you feel how softly my fingertips move over your warm skin? Don't you see my soul is exposed in my eyes and I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve? Don't you know I love you? I wish I didn't feel this way. The intensity scares me, because I'm not sure you feel the same way. My touch is only a dream for now, but I see you when I close my eyes and I can almost touch you. Your face is above mine and I'm holding onto you tightly. I never want to let go. Love come and goes and losing you almost destroyed me once. I want to know things, but the truth will hurt me. I do not want to relive that again, but I feel you slipping away.