It's an uphill climb, a battle. A battle of wills with myself. I feel nothing, yet I feel everything. If that even makes sense? Nothing I'm studying seems to stick, struggling to concentrate and I wish I could talk to someone about what I'm feeling. I have such bad memories from the last time I studied for an exam, which was November 2008. Talking to someone would make me feel better. I'm so close to giving up, but I know I can't. Again, music seems to be my saving grace when I feel alone and need someone to be there for me. I give so much of myself to be there for others, but who is there for me when I need them. No one really believes me and I will carry this like a cross until I'm ready to let go. Indifference seems to be the constant state I'm in, but it's also a form of denial.
I want to dedicate every single step I take towards my own happiness to be a tribute to you and the person that you were. I want your memory to replace the bad ones I seem to hold close to my heart. Please give me the answers I need. Replace this void with something real, tangible and beautiful. Make me feel secure in who I am. I feel like I'm almost praying to you. I really need you. I miss the person I was with you and the person you thought I was. All I see when I look in the mirror is this broken person always trying to be a better person, friend and I don't think I'm doing a good job at that.
Give me the strength to love with my whole heart, to pursue my dreams and gain clarity on my future. Deep down I know my potential to be and do all those things just needs to be unlocked, quietly lurking underneath the surface and waiting for me to step up to the plate.
I always loved the serenity prayer even though I'm not a devout Christian.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference.
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