Shaky ground

Life changing moments have a way of creeping up on you unexpectedly. I can't seem to escape November and what the month seems to lay on my doorstep. Last night I was calm and composed, but today everything just seems to unraveling. I was worried for the safety of a friend and now I'm worried that he will be OK and happy. Only time will tell what the future holds, but for the time being he seems to be doing fine.

I fell in love with a man in the here and now, someone I could physically touch. Even though I was holding back with him I gave him everything and showed him who I am. Things did not work out between us, but in a short space of time I experienced something amazing. I got a taste of what I've always wanted. That is not to say that he was THE one for there will always just be that one guy. When I speak to latter I try and not reveal exactly what is going on in my mind. We have been down that road before. Maybe I am clinging to fantasy.

Back to the guy I "dated"...if I can even call it that. He broke my heart and I do feel rejected. Not only a superficial level, but also on a deeper one. I tend to guard my heart and who I am, because letting someone into that space means that they can see all my vulnerabilities.

I've been emotional all day long and I feel so alone. I draw up a mental list of people I know and care about, friends and family. I need to talk to someone before I implode, but there doesn't seem to be anyone who would really understand what I'm going through at the moment. Maybe my mother was right. I have not been happy since high school days, which leaves me with only one person to effect changes in my life. Me. If only I could disappear into the abyss below me. Yet something inside of me compels me to fight. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. I must I'm tired of fighting for anything and I want to give up, but it isn't even an option really. I'm so confused.