Declaration

This is a declaration of my independence, freedom and womanhood. I had the entire post mapped out in my head and now I'm stuck, fingers hovering above the keyboard. Let's give it a bash though.

I have stated that I deserve to be happy and I would not be settling anymore. This is a fact. I am done playing the little games people play and allowing others to do that to me. I have realised that the only person who has a say in my life is me and I determine my own happiness.

So many adjectives have been thrown around to describe me and I have failed to acknowledge them in the past. The time to change is now, however. The semblance of sanity, diplomacy and reserve will be replaced by my authentic self, which I have been too scared to show or reveal to others. If for some odd reason that does not agree with you, you are more than welcome to remove yourself from my life. I will not be the little puppy running behind you, begging for seconds. Fact is, if I was important to you at all you would make the time for me like I have. Life is damn short if the events of 2006 are anything to go by. Not a day goes by that I don't miss Candace and this feeling will never go away. Time is too fleeting to waste time waiting for life to happen. Trust me, it won't unless you take action. Tell the people close to you that you love them, show them in ways almost unimaginable. Let people into your life. Smile at a stranger, work hard, play hard. Squeeze every single drop of pleasure out of daily life, savour experiences. Do things that scare you. Wear a scarlet red lipstick. Live life.

I have never really looked at myself in the mirror. I have never really taken the time to get to know Mercia. This must be sounding really silly, but I don't care. I get so angry at myself when I think about all those years I have wasted, but I have to go easy on myself and live by the following: "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." Maya Angelou

Open

Unbutton your clothes
Undress your soul, show them your vigor
Are those inhibitions easiest to fear?

Seems like the easiest thing in the world to let each piece of clothing drop to the floor, exposing your flesh. Metaphorically speaking, it is not really that easy. To reveal your insecurities and vulnerabilities to someone takes a lot of courage and inner strength. I want to open up to someone in that way. Quietly observing, I look at the world around me and the people I encounter and I feel a very obvious void in my life. I can try and articulate what this emptiness entails, but I don't think I am able to at this stage. I know too little about myself and who I am or I am just afraid to try. I don't understand how I can be at odds with myself like this. At least I can say I have truly loved a man and I did it with my entire being. I told him how I felt, but I don't think he ever truly got it.

They say that if you let something go and it doesn't come back to you it never really was yours to begin with. In the movie, Practical Magic, Sandra Bullock draws up a list of requirements for the perfect man. Eventually, their paths cross even though she thought she'd never find him. I want to be able to drop my clothes to the floor and feel safe with that man in that particular moment. No judgement, no fear. I want a man who shares my love for music. I want him to send me a song he came across somewhere. I want him to beside himself with excitement. I want him to share the song with me. I want to dance close to him for hours. I want him to kiss me and make my skin feel weak. I want to laugh when we share silly moments. I want him to hold me when I feel sad, which I do often. I want to reveal who I am to him.