This is the year I turn 30. It's a terrifying thought to contemplate and I feel that I have not done nearly enough with my life. I'm getting there slowly. I choose to effect changes now. I choose to be happy and I won't let any man take that away from me again. I am strong and deep inside me I have always known that even when I chose to look the other way. That is what it boils down to in the end. Your choices.
By chance I stumbled across the title of John Gray's book, entitled Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I've heard of it, but never had the desire to read it until now. It catapulted the idea of gender differences into the mainstream. So I got a copy of the book for my Kindle and I'm looking forward to the read. Wikipedia mentions the "cave and wave" idea. Men retreat into their "cave" when women want to talk and a woman's love is like a wave. It continues to go with the ebb and flow of the tides until she realizes her love is not being returned in the way she would like it to be. The "wave" crashes. I think I'll have a better idea of the latter concept once I've read the book. Of course there is criticism to the ideas purported by Gray, but I'll start with his book and work from there. I'm looking for answers. I know what I do wrong when it comes to relationships. Mostly I'm afraid of love. I am scared of opening up and letting someone see both the good and the bad parts. At the same time, there is a quote by Marilyn Monroe I truly and fully identify with:
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
Undeniably, a very profound quote in its simplicity. Honestly, I haven't felt this alone in a very long time. I have lost some incredible friends over the past few months. Well, some of these friendships were not good for me. I overlooked a lot of things I did not agree with and I have done things I swore I would never do. Lyrics by Staind pop into my head; a song called Right here.
I know I've been mistaken,
but just give me a break and see the changes that I've made.
I've got some imperfections,
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face
[Chorus]
But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting
I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending, it's as much as I can take.
And you're so independent, you just refuse to bend
So I keep bending 'till I break
[Chorus]
But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting
I've made a commitment, I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you
Why can't you just forgive me?
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way...
But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting
But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away, would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting
I touch the way I love and I'm looking for that one person who will accept the good and the bad. Whether it be love or friendship. I won't compromise who I am anymore though.
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