Perennial garden of love

When it comes to romance in my life, I shy away from that concept and I merely flutter past you on a destination unknown to even myself. A plethora of reasons elude you. Fear keeps me from taking a risk and challenging what could and might have been. It doesn't mean that I don't love you, but rather that my perception of love has been tainted by past experiences and I don't want to apply that to you or lose what we have at present.

However, my presence as a friend can be compared to a plant with strong roots and you are nestled close to me in a garden of flowers, shrubs and trees. I am also the gardener who loves to dig into the earth, clear away the debris and water each plant. Lovingly nurtured from the start, I painstakingly cut away at the pieces hampering your growth until every single bud starts to bloom with eye catching clarity and beauty. Others should delight in that beauty for each blossom is a concentration of the purity and essence of your soul and it should be shown to the world. In the absence of light, or perhaps I should rather say love, the green leaves and blossoms start to wither and die. Eventually some of blossoms will have to die, because we grow and flourish as individuals as the years accumulate.

I treasure each moment with you my friend and the laughter and meaning you bring to my life. I will never disappear completely or leave you to fend on your own. There is strength in numbers and we can take on anything together as a team. Just like a bunch of plants slowly moving through our life cycle, we sometime turn our leaves and flowers toward the sun and other times we face and endure the rainy weather, but you are never alone.

Moments

The clouds unfurl the twinkle of twilight stars and the dying colours of sunset recede into my heart, the warmth palpable. The vocals of Elisabeth Fraser in Massive Attack's Teardrop makes me contemplate us. The lyrics move me: "Love, love is a verb. Love is a doing word. Fearless on my breath. Gentle impulsion. Shakes me makes me lighter." If only you could see me smile when I think about you, you never would have doubted a single word from my lips. My whole face lights up and little sparks ignite from the inside.

My singlemost important, yet unexpressed wish is to follow my heart straight into your arms, but life is not a romantic movie with a happy ending. Every stride I take in this day-to-day madness could bring me closer to you or it might take me away from you. Love is pure and ethereal. It's like a featherlight caress on a lover's skin, but in my experience, the flutter also leaves pain and utter devastation in its wake. Love can be transitory. What if you wake up and realise that the feeling has come and gone. Where would that leave me?

You make me melt, you make my eyes sparkle, you make me love you. I can't hide what I feel for you. I'm a paradox, a contradiction. I think about the future and the past, I think about the present. Sometimes I sit and daydream about a time where our love would be a reality. Emotions tangibly expressed and the product would be an amalgamation of us. People don't always realise that heaven can also be found here on earth. Maybe Belinda Carlisle did. I know that if your eyes left mine, it would stir a longing in me, which could not be contained. I know that one moment in your arms would leave me with something to hold onto forever. I had a taste of forever, a taste of what true love could be like and, one day, when my bones crumble and my hair is the colour of snow, I will think about you and a smile would once again linger on my face.

Terribly confusing times

Love terrifies me. The thought of relinquishing myself to someone is very scary indeed. What I look for and that indescribable beauty is marred by my own fears.