Dream lover

I woke from my dream bathed in a warm glow even after the imagery had disappeared. This one was about you. When I said you will always be the one who got away I meant it.

It started off with my eyes being closed, but suddenly you were there with me and you were kissing me. I won't ever forget the way you tasted and, as weird as this may sound, I can recall every sensation I was experiencing with you. The feel of your tongue moving against mine once I started responding, passionate with gentle, teasing probes before you pulled away. The perfect kiss. My eyes remained closed and my hand reached out to you in an effort to pull you closer and kiss you again. I opened my eyes. My word, your eyes were so beautiful just like I imagined them to be. You took my breath away.

We drove to my house in Cape Town and I think my parents had relocated there as well. Taking charge of the situation, you went in and met them before whisking me away again. A green, hilly landscape flashed past us with grey overcast skies. I felt so relaxed and happy. At some point we were walking. The proverbial road to nowhere. Yet it seemed like you were familiar with the area. Nothing else mattered in these moments though, except that I was with you. We kissed several times and you held me close, you playfully lifted me and carried me. Protesting wildly when you touched my leg later on (for some odd reason I had not shaved and I thought the faint stubble would make you recoil in horror). You didn't and teased me about it. You made me feel beautiful. We reached a mall, you quickly went into a store and I stayed outside waiting for you. Returning with a smile you kissed me again and my face broke into a huge, happy grin.

The details of what I had dreamt are starting to fade now and I desperately wish I could still be there with you. I want to fall asleep and meet up with you in my dreams. The physical dimension of you completed my mental picture of you. You are the embodiment of what I have always wanted in a man. What attracted me to you initially was how articulate you were, your intelligence and wicked sense of humour. You are such a gentle and loving soul, but a strong, focused and protective man. Many days I have burst into laughter recalling your tale about the boomslang and your admiration of its dedication in launching itself from a tree in order to get his or her prey (and the fact that you almost had a boomslang scarf makes me giggle uncontrollably). I won't ever forget you and things are so akward between us now. It is my fault, but it's just one of the many misunderstandings between us and I won't go into the details of why and how. You don't know the real me and you perceived my absence as disinterest. I am sorry that I hurt you and that I wasn't there for you. I don't think you will ever see this. In my dreams I spend time with you and I will treasure it forever.

Don't tell me I didn't love you or that I just loved the idea of you, because the way you made me feel was real and it was more than an infatuation to me. I just wanted you to know that. It's making me a little bit sad now. I will have to move on at some stage even though my heart still belongs to you and maybe it always will. The lyrics of Chevelle's Closure are apt, but I'm not there yet nor do I want those words to ring true.

The clock

Time for a change, time for reprieve. I lay here in silence. Strange how it echoes, washes over me in waves, even though it represents nothingness and emptiness. I smile, but look closely, the sunshine doesn't quite reach my eyes. I can give it to you in immeasurable amounts and make your face light up, but I never keep some for me. Inside I'm dying as I cry. My soul is raw from clawing my way out of this hole. Every second ticks by loudly as the arms on an imaginary clock on the wall move. Tick tock tick tock. The pain is unbearable and I pray fervently to release me from this hell. I relinquish myself, my life, at times when I'm too tired to fight against it, to whatever is out there, but I get no reply. The clock keeps ticking steadily. Unwavering in its resolve to drive me insane, keep me in this moment. Time covers me its heavy blanket and it suffocates me. It moves, but I'm stuck. I see the light peeping through the corner, mocking me. Can't you see that I can survive here much longer? Why won't you let me out? Let me breathe.