Geared up for a losing battle

Don't make me give up...I have tried and given all of the me in the pursuit of this, but is seems that I'm fighting a losing battle. The effort doesn't equal the reward. The reward has become a consolation prize. Do I crave the inevitable devastation and loss? Do I resign myself to fact of not ever knowing what it feels like? Do I continue believing in the fantasy? Is it a construct of the mind, more specifically mine? Does it exist?

I don't want to stop believing in it. Why does it feel like an unattainable ideal though? Should I believe in something that could perhaps make me feel alive? Kind of like music does, emotionally charged melodies, rhythms and sounds with the ability of taking me to a different time and space. Music resonates with my soul. When I close my eyes and let the music take me, the beauty of this world resurrects itself in my mind's eye. In that moment I'm ok.

What's in a name?

Inspired by a fellow blogger with fairly interesting views on the world (optimist of note), I have started to chronicle my own experiences and things I have come across on a daily basis. Note this doesn't mean that I will post something every single day, but I will write from the heart when I do. I should have started with this post as the introduction to my blog, but opted to post things I have written in the past. Let me start off by saying, my punctuation is bad (should really look into improving this). I'm not writing this for the benefit of anyone, but myself.

So who is Mercia? People often buy books with thousands of baby names hoping to find something that will appeal to them and describe the bundle of joy that will grace the world with its presence very soon. According to sources, Mercia was the name of the Anglo-Saxon kingdom, which dominated England during the 8th century under its king, Offa. It is also the latinate elaboration of mercy. I was named after my aunt who never had children of her own. My surname, which I won't mention here, is Polish. As far as the last piece of information goes, I'm neither emerged in that culture nor do I speak Polish. Friends rarely call me by my name and use nicknames like Meraa or Miss M or J. In a way, the use of my actual name has negative connotations for me. It's like being transported back to my childhood and being chided by my mother after having done something wrong (it's funny actually).

Synchronicity

Holding an old record by The Police in my hands, I am struck by the title: Synchronicity. There is a theory or philosophical concept by Carl Jung called synchronicity, temporally coincident occurences of acausal events or, in short, meaningful coincidences. Before a very important person in my life died, I used to glance at the clock and it would be double digit combination like 09:09 or 15:15 and I would comment on the strange occurence to my friends and family. Shortly after she died in 2006 this stopped completely, but I didn't make the connection at that time.

My aunt joined a support group, Compassionate Friends, to deal with her daughter's death. A woman attended a session one day who was also numerologist and practised Kabbalah. She took my cousin's birthdate and worked out her number.She was born on the 9th of April in 1991: 9 + 4 + 1 + 9 + 9 + 1 = 33. That number would again be simplified to a one digit number (3 + 3 = 6), but the fact that it ended on a double digit is significant. People whose number is double digit before simplification have a special aura about them. They are exposed to incredible hardships and pain, but touch the lives of others with their mere presence and inner beauty and creativity.

My cousin was a softspoken, delicate beauty and compassionate person. Her relationship was strained with her father and he didn't play an active role in her life. When she was admitted to the hospital, even though she was terribly ill, she was always more concerned about other people and what they were going through. She was one of a kind. In this day and age how many people are truly philanthropists at heart and would help out their fellow human being. I only made the connection between the time and her number afterwards and it makes sense to me. Everything is energy and connected and I believe in signs. Life is precious and should not be taken for granted. Something so simple is actually very hard to do and people become jaded far too early on in life. The beauty of a sunset with bold strokes of a golden or mandarin orange and dusky pink or the bright lights of a cityscape echoing the twinkle of stars in the sky are lost on most observers. So when I come across these I acknowledge them as they serve as a personal reminder of how short life can be.

The lyrics of two songs come to mind when I think about you (The Offspring's Gone away and Adema's Do you hear me) and I do that often ...

I reach to the sky
And call out your name
Oh please let me trade
I would

And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven's so far away

Things to do before I die

People often forget how short life can be and that's why I have decided to compile a list of things I want to do before I die. This list is nowhere complete and I will continue to update it as I go along. Even the little things are important and every opportunity should be seized in order for you to be able say that you have truly lived. The word regret shouldn't be part of your vocabulary at all.

1. Firewalking
2. Bungee jumping off the Bloukrans River bridge, the highest commercial bungee jump in the world
3. Skydiving
4. Star Wars marathon (all six movies in one go)
5. Take part in a 10km run in 2010
6. Learn to play a musical instrument (at the moment it's a guitar)
7. Go goth for a day
8. Get my degree in Information Science as well as my BIS Hons.
9. Visit Copenhagen, Ireland, Istanbul and Prague
10. See Nine Inch Nails live in concert
11. Visit England (this one is for you Andy)
12. Learn and master a foreign language (Spanish/French/Italian) - must be able to to converse comfortably in the language (I was pretty upset when I wasn't able to follow the movie, Coco Avant Chanel. Some of the nuances and storyline was lost, because I do not speak or understand French)
13. Learn how to swing poi (and eventually even fire poi) keeping to a smooth cadence
14. Go see Vincent van Gogh's Starry Night at the MOMA in New York.
15. Attend a concert by famous DJ such as Tiesto, Paul van Dyk, Armin van Buuren, Markus Schulz. DONE

Some things dictate urgency and in that spirit, the following needs to be done this year:

3. Skydiving, bungee jumping or parachuting (I realised this after spending a few minutes trapped on a roof with a fear usually unknown to me - a fear of heights. I almost passed out and I must be getting old)